To the One Addicted to Approval: Escape the Bondage
LIVING ACCORDING TO OTHER PEOPLE’S EXPECTATIONS CAN BECOME addictive and toxic. I know this because I’ve fallen into that trap and have let living for people’s approval rule my life. I was living in bondage—a prison from which I could not escape. It was only when I let go of people and this world and held onto God, and God alone, that I was free. Free. It never felt so good. I want to share with you my story, and I hope you too can escape the bondage of living for people’s expectations: “[I do not want] to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant,” (Galatians 1:10, NLT).
Are you living for self-glory or for God's glory alone?
There is a difference.
I love spending time with friends and family. I love laughing, dancing, cooking, and even having an honest conversation with them. Unfortunately, there was a time in my life when I got so sucked into caring too much about what others said and thought of me, that I forgot who and what I was living for. I lived to please; I only did things to be noticed and admired.
People are meant for good. God created us in His own image and made us for fellowship and community. People are not the enemy, but how we choose to handle situations can become the enemy. We all care about what other people think of us, but we don’t have to live up to their standards or expectations. We’re only human. We all make mistakes, have weaknesses, and forget to put God first. Isn’t it okay to live this way? No. God made us to live for higher standards. He made us to rise above the brokenness of this world and choose Him instead. Some days I don’t even know why I deserve His second chances and grace, but I guess the whole point is that we don’t deserve it. He gives it away freely. Shouldn’t I honour Him with all I have by the way I live my life?
It was when I started to ask myself the big questions that I realized the truth that would set me free: I don’t have to live to please other people. It’s impossible to please every person, but it is possible to please God, because I already have Him. I don’t have to win His attention or love. He gives it freely with no limits; He gives only grace, mercy, discipline, and eternal life. I had to choose between people and God. I decided to choose God.
We all love social media and being with friends, but when we put these things above God, they can become dangerous and lethal. We all care about how many “likes” we have on our Facebook and Instagram photos, so let’s stop denying it … okay? I love Facebook and Instagram, because it brings me joy to stay in touch with long distance friends and to see what my family and friends are up to. But I have a choice to make—will social media hinder or help my relationship with God? I have learned that sometimes my friends and family are worth more than a Facebook status or picture.
It’s easy to smile when we walk through the doors of our church. Everything is fine. What a lie. Isn’t it easy to go to all the right church events, participate in church fundraisers, and even lead Sunday school once in a while? Eventually I had to ask myself if I was doing these things for God’s glory, or to impress the people in my church. I realized that sometimes I was only doing these things because I knew it was expected of me.
Two years ago, I was left burnt out on my bathroom floor, wanting to stop everything church-related because I finally realized I’d been doing it for other people, not for God. I was hungover living for people’s expectations, once again. I realized everything I was doing had become worthless, as I was only more tired and exhausted trying to measure up to everyone’s standards. Since
then I’ve learned that when I only live for God’s glory, He gives me the strength and wisdom I need.
There are so many lies that I believed when I tried to live up to people’s expectations. The lie I struggled with the most was that I could only serve God within the four walls of a church building. That is so biblically incorrect. I have learned that I need to serve God outside the church, not just on Sundays or at a special event. While we need pastors, missionaries, and Sunday school teachers, we also need nurses, stay-at-home-mothers, retail store managers, counsellors, and a friendly neighbour.
I’ve learned that if I could have my way, I would knock down the four walls and never look back. I think about all the times I acted in kindness just to be acknowledged and respected. Isn’t it the greatest feeling in the world when someone thanks us publicly for doing an act of kindness? I used to think so. Eventually that feeling faded, because acts of kindness and generosity should be a natural characteristic of who we are, not ploys for the response and acknowledgement. Am I right?
I’ve learned that I find more peace and grace when I do things anonymously and only for the audience of the One who matters most.
It’s so easy to say all the right things and not mean any of it. I think back to all the times I was asked to give my testimony or to pray at a youth retreat. Wow … so many empty words with so little
action. I became so focused on how good my prayer sounded that I
asked myself if I was even praying to God anymore?
I believe God hears every prayer, and there is never a wrong prayer, but it can be easy to talk without living the walk. There’s something beautiful about solitude and bringing it to God before bringing it to people.
Finally, I believe that living in the bondage of people’s expectations can turn into self-glory. If we’re honest, we love to please ourselves. We’re the ones who love the attention, the applause, and the credit. I remember when I was living on my own stage, only to feel the ground beneath me crumbling. And oh, that is the worst way to live. I’ve learned that I cannot put this expectation onto other people. My goal is to help others follow Christ, not me.
I’m not saying that we have to stop interacting with others, stop praying, or stop attending church. This isn’t an excuse for any of those things. What matters is our motives and attitudes. Are we doing it for God’s glory, or for people’s expectations? We all have the choice to make.
For great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; he is to be feared above all gods. For all the gods of the nations are idols, but the Lord made the heavens. Splendor and majesty are before him; strength and glory are in his sanctuary. Ascribe to the Lord, all you families of nations … bring an offering and come into his courts. Worship the Lord in the splendor of his holiness; tremble before him, all the earth. (Psalm 96:4–9)
We may be rejected by man, but we are accepted and unconditionally loved by the Creator of everything. Who can stand against us?
When we choose God over people’s expectations, we’re not living for this world, but for eternity. God loves all of us. He made us to love each other too. People can help us in our relationship wtih God in so many ways.
I’m still going to love my church, Facebook, and my friends—I just love my God more.
I’m also clothed with different attitudes and motives. I have decided that I am not going to let others dictate my life, but I will own my decisions.
At the end of the day, I don’t want to be a follower of other Christians; I want to follow God. Him alone. Period.
“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other,” (Matthew 6:24).
I choose God. And I am free.
Become Boundless
When was the last time you did something only for the audience of God? When was the last time you made a decision that wasn’t based on how many likes you received on Facebook? When was the last time you did something for yourself without feeling guilty? Being addicted to approval means you’re always performing, which results in the overwhelming feeling of always needing to be liked and accepted by others.
Are you living on your own stage? Are you obsessed with applause and praise?
Watch out—you could be on your way to leaving God in the dust.
Here’s a description of a woman addicted to approval:
- She will do anything to be accepted.
• She is always trying to measure up to people’s standards.• She changes personality depending on who she is with.
• She is easily offended.
• She does not know her identity is in Christ alone.
• She thinks she is always failing.
• She believes her worth is based on doing rather than being.
• She is always worried about making other people happy.
• She forgets about her own needs.
• She has trouble making her own decisions.
Can you identify with any of these feelings? I know I can, and, man, is it hard to escape them … but I have escaped. One of my secrets is that I know God’s power is made perfect in my weaknesses:
“‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me,” (2 Corinthians 12:9).
Maybe it’s time you got real with God. Maybe it’s time you pour your heart out to Him and ask Him to free you from the bondage of approval. Here are some tips for breaking that bondage: 1. Look to God before you look to other people. Remember that your identity rests in God alone. You already have God; you don’t need to win His attention or love. He holds your whole life, so look to Him. 2. Learn the word “no.” Yes, I’ve escaped the bondage, but I still deal with people’s expectations every day. I just know that I have the power to say “no” when things get too overwhelming, or when I start to feel the world’s standards weighing in. You have the choice too. Learn the word “no” and you’ll see the beauty it brings to your life. 3. Don’t allow man’s words to define you. People are always going to be people. People are always going to talk, and they’re always going to try to cut you down. You belong to God, so let go of people’s criticisms. 4. Practice positive self-talk. This is where the memorization of scripture will come in handy. Any time you feel overwhelmed with the need to measure up to the world’s standards, recite a verse that proves your worth lies in Christ. 5. Be yourself and love it. If you’re trying to live for people’s approval, you leave yourself behind. Remember, there is no one else like you, and no one else can live out your story. So be you and love it.
6. Be kind to yourself. 7. Know your values and morals so that you can stand up for yourself. 8. Remember that people are not the problem, but the way we view them can be. Be kind to others and spend time with them, but know how to take time for yourself too. 9. Help others who are addicted to living for people’s expectations. Show them how they too can be free in Christ.
A Quieter Life
Make it your goal to live a quiet life, minding your own business and working with your hands… then people who are not believers will respect the way you live, and you will not need to depend on others. (1 Thessalonians 4:11–12, NLT)
God broke through to me when I read this scripture passage. You see, for a while I was unaware I was even in this kind of bondage. To the outside world, my life looked good and happy, but I was slowly dying on the inside. It wasn’t until someone close to me said, “Sarah, you have a problem. You’re always caring about what others think of you. When was the last time you did something for yourself? You need to give yourself a reality check.”
To my dismay, I discovered that I’d been imprisoning myself to approval. I used to think it was a sin if I did something for myself. I lived in guilt and shame, because I thought if I did something for myself, I couldn’t make other people happy. Oh girls, I was so blinded! I was so lost! I was so busy pleasing others and caught up in who I was not that I became undisciplined and wild, spending most of my time running around trying to solve everyone else’s problems. I praise the Lord today that I am free, and I pray I never go back
I have shown you what happens when we are in bondage and how we can escape. Now let’s look at a woman who’s free from this kind of bondage: • She knows she is chosen by God. • She is more concerned about her relationship with God than other people’s standards. • She knows who she is and loves who God created her to be! • She is able to let go of criticism, because she knows only God defines her. • She presses on in victory and joy. • She believes her worth is based on following and knowing Christ. • She still cares for others, but knows how to meet her own needs. • She knows her values and can stand up for who she is. • She is able to enjoy the life God designed her to have. • She has true freedom.
Freedom in Christ Christ has set us free; we no longer have to live in the bondage of people or their expectations. Take a look at what Paul writes in Galatians:
Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery… For you have been called to live in freedom … but don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love … let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. (Galatians 5:1, 13, 16, NLT)
“For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom,” (2 Corinthians 3:17, NLT). Freedom in Christ doesn’t mean we get to do whatever we want; it means that we abide by the Holy Spirit and have freedom from the bondage of our sinful nature. Stand firm in freedom, for you are no longer a slave.
Live for the Audience of the One
As I mentioned above, one the greatest things I learned through all of this was that there is more peace and grace found when I do things anonymously for the audience of the One who matters most. The key to living this way is that I must decrease and God must increase:
“True humility and fear of the Lord lead to riches, honor, and long life,”(Proverbs 22:4, NLT);
“Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him,” (Colossians 3:10,NLT);
“It is foolish to belittle one’s neighbor; a sensible person keeps quiet,”(Proverbs 11:12, NLT);
“The Lord supports the humble, but He brings the wicked down into the dust,” (Psalms 147:6, NLT);
“He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less,” (John 3:30, NLT).
God is inviting you today to let go of living for people and to hold on to Him alone. He offers you freedom in His arms and grace for a better tomorrow. I hope you’ve been inspired and encouraged to leave that old past behind and start to live for the audience of the One—the One who matters most.
Thought to Ponder To the Girl Who Has No Christian Home By: Jordan Robinson
People say being a Christian is easy. They talk about how nice it is for them to go home to a loving Christian family. They tell me how easy it is to talk about their faith at home. I’m here to tell you my story about being the only Christian living in a non-Christian family.
If you live in a non-Christian home, I want you to know you’re not alone. The hardest part about being in a non-Christian home is feeling alone and isolated from the rest of my family. I love my family, but they don’t seem to care about and love my God the way I do. This makes me feel alone, distant, and almost abandoned. My emotions are everywhere, and sometimes it feels like I’m trying to walk through fast-moving rapids.
I get called names like “Bible Thumper” and “Jesus Freak.” I get teased and asked a million questions about why I want to love my God. My family doesn’t understand it when I turn on my Christian music, open up my Bible, or go to church. I try to get in a quick ten second prayer before my meals, just to escape more teasing. My family says they accept my faith, but they never seem to understand it.
It’s quite a challenge to stay true to my faith. There are so many temptations and worldly things going on at home that it can be easy to forget to pray and read my Bible. I tell myself to stay strong and believe in myself. I can do this, I think But living this way is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It’s hard to stand up for my faith when everyone around me is trying to tear it down.
The best advice I can give you is to just be you! Don’t worry about how other people see you, because God made you! You are created in His beautiful image. You are not alone.
When I’m teased at home, bullied, and feeling lonely, God helps me by giving me reassurance from His Word. I pull out my Bible and read Jeremiah 29:11–13:
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.” (NLT)
These words give me strength to overcome the name calling and the teasing. They give me strength to love them. I feel happy to know that when I’m alone, God is there right by my side every step of the way. I’m a little seed who got planted in the ground, and with love, faith, and hope, I grew a little stronger day by day and bloomed into a beautiful flower. God has changed my life in so many ways by giving me strength and courage to get through each day. He has given me opportunities to do mission trips, be a counsellor at camp, and then go home to witness to my family.
God has embraced me with open arms, and He has shown me how beautiful this world is. He has given me amazing friends that I call my family in Christ. I can talk about my faith and not be scared or ashamed. I can sing from my heart that I love God, because He has shown me not to be afraid. God has changed my life forever, and I can say that it has all been worth it.
Girls, I encourage you to keep your heads held high. Never let your family bring you down. Stay strong and put all your trust in God!
What is the price of two sparrows—one copper coin? But nota single sparrow can fall to the ground without your father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So do not be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows. (Matthew 10:29–31, NLT)
Do not be afraid! God sees your pain. God sees your sleepless nights and every time your faith is challenged; it never goes unnoticed by our God. He is beside you through it all. Your life is a canvas, and God is the painter.
Through your faith and trust in Him, God is slowly making you bloom into a beautiful flower so that no matter where you go—back to your non-Christian families, into your secular classroom, or out with your friends—you can live for Him.