Post Valentine's Day
Valentine’s day, the sucky’est day of the year if you are single. It doesn’t matter how many times people tell me otherwise, deep down I feel as though I will always look upon this holiday of the heart as a time set aside to celebrate boy-girl, couple, relational love. I can accept how others view this date as a time to celebrate love in a general sense, however, I haven’t been able to seriously adopt this kind of thinking for myself. This decision, to not think outside the heart-shaped chocolate box, frankly causes me a lot of pain. Without a life partner or a boyfriend, Valentine’s Day serves time and time again as a hurtful reminder that I am lonely, and that there is a promise on my life from God that is, as of yet, unfulfilled.
When February comes around, I brace myself for Valentine’s day’s “heart attack”. I pray to God to help me navigate through the sea of emotions I know will come. I cry out to Him to help keep me above the waves, as memories from the past slam into me – swift and sharp, vivid and violent – faces of boyfriends’ past, images of fun times had, whispered words of love, phrases that would make me blush, dreams dreamt up together. These memoires seem like both seconds and a lifetime away…none are a part of my present reality though, and that knowledge fills me with disappointment, hurt, emptiness, and even shame.
A few days before this past Valentine’s day, as per usual, I began building up my walls, praying daily for help from God in keeping the memories out, and for contentment in my present situation. I also prayed to know God more, to grow in my understanding of Him, and to learn to love Him with my whole being. I desperately want to be satisfied with God alone. The world behind me. The cross before me. No turning back. No turning back. To be honest, most days I actually am quite content with being single. There are days when I really feel so filled with love for God, and love from God, that nothing else matters but Him and me and serving the lost. Brick by brick, prayer by prayer, I built up my wall of protection.
Valentine’s day came. My wall didn’t crack. It was blown to smithereens. My ex-boyfriend chose to contact me that day. We hadn’t spoken in months. Through conversation, I learned that he and his new girlfriend were now engaged. My heart shattered. I wasn’t expecting that. I wasn’t ready to hear that. I hadn’t admitted this to myself, but I had kept a seed of hope alive, that perhaps one day, when he was struck with God’s grace and came into a full relationship with Him, we would have another chance. I suppose us . . . him and me . . . it isn’t meant to be. God has other plans. In amidst the hurt and tears, this song floated into my mind. It rang true in the core of my being. A beautiful gift from a Father who longs to comfort his wounded daughter.
Shoulders By King & Country:
When confusion's my companion And despair holds me for ransom I will feel no fear I know that You are near When I'm caught deep in the valley With chaos for my company I'll find my comfort here 'Cause I know that You are near [Chorus:] My help comes from You You're right here, pulling me through You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness all on Your shoulders Your shoulders My help comes from You You are my rest, my rescue I don't have to see to believe that You're lifting me up on Your shoulders Your shoulders You mend what once was shattered And You turn my tears to laughter Your forgiveness is my fortress Oh Your mercy is relentless
[Chorus:] My help comes from You You're right here, pulling me through You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness all on Your shoulders Your shoulders My help comes from You You are my rest, my rescue I don't have to see to believe that You're lifting me up on Your shoulders Your shoulders My help is from You Don't have to see it to believe it My help is from you Don't have to see it, 'cause I know, 'cause I know it's true My help is from You Don't have to see it to believe it My help is from you Don't have to see it, 'cause I know, 'cause I know it's true
[Chorus:] My help comes from You You're right here, pulling me through You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness all on Your shoulders Your shoulders My help comes from You You are my rest, my rescue I don't have to see to believe that You're lifting me up on Your shoulders Your shoulders My help is from You Don't have to see it to believe it My help is from you Don't have to see it, 'cause I know, 'cause I know it's true [x3:]
My help is from You Trying to see it to believe it My help is from you Trying to see it, 'cause I know, 'cause I know it's true Learning that my ex-boyfriend is engaged, that was the first of a series of revelations that have merged into a hurricane of utter confusion and pain.
I’m fighting through a storm, one that is powerful. I know, however, that God is IN the storm. He is here with me, and my help comes from Him. I’m going to cling to Him as tightly as I can, and look to Him to guide me through. There is no other way to get through this trial. No road, at least, that I want to take that doesn’t include God. He is my ALL-IN-ALL. However this turns out…I choose the path that God gives me. I choose to take the pain, and let it grow me, if that is what God desires for me. I choose to live a life without a husband, if that is what He wants from me.
I choose God. I choose His ways. 4 simple words: Your Will Be Done. All glory to Him whose plans are higher than mine.