I'm Finally ME again: my liver story
Last weekend, I had my first milkshake in over 7 months. Yes me; the girl who used to eat ice-cream like every single day. This year has been the best and worst of my life. Back in November I found out I have been living with a liver that cannot process food normally and it has been the main cause for many abnormal symptoms in my body. But I am CELEBRATING and I am GRATEFUL today because I am finally ME again.
Yet, even back in February I remember screaming out to God, “When will I ever be me again?” you see, healing the body naturally takes time and often gets a lot worse before it gets better. For months, I had no energy, I felt isolated and even depressed. And I honestly don’t think I truly understood what it meant to trust God wholeheartedly.
Do we truly know how to trust God? Do we honestly know how to give God our everything? I didn’t. I’ve learned that trusting God is not just about giving God the parts of our day we need Him the most. Trusting God wholeheartedly is surrendering our every minute and every moment to Him.
It took me to be at my lowest pit of darkness through this battle of pain and loneliness that I realized I had lived my life only half-hearted for God. I learned to survive this life without Him; leaning on Him only when I really needed Him.
Yet, God wants our whole hearts when life is going good and when life is hard. He wants to journey with us through everything, but He also wants to be invited in.
When I finally understood that this was the key ingredient to my mess, everything changed for me. Yes, I’ve been working with a naturopathic doctor and I have made major lifestyle changes, but without trusting in God I would just be going around in circles trying to take control of something that was never mine to begin with.
God did what I like to call a “purifying process” on me. God doesn’t want to mask over a problem or messy situation. He doesn’t want us to have a quick fix and keep on living with pain and hurt. God wants to heal us at the deepest level of our core. That’s what He had to do with me. He had to strip away the layers; everything that took my heart and mind away from trusting in His goodness. Slowly and gradually, as He stripped me away, I truly understood what it meant to rest in His hands.
Pain and hardship battles will always be a part of this life, but we have the amazing opportunity to journey with Jesus through the midst of it all. And instead of a painful battle, it becomes an adventure...
1. Before we can heal, we have to feel
When I was a child, I learned to numb my feelings. At a very young age, I dealt with childhood trauma and I saw somethings a child should never have to go through. I couldn’t be “too” happy or “too” sad. And even though I love life, as an adult it’s easy to numb our feelings.
But Jesus is someone who feels with us. He carried that bloody cross for you and me. He knows exactly what pain and hardship is. I forgot about this. I thought no one understood what I was possibly going through. But Jesus understands exactly what we are going through because He gave us the greatest sacrifice; taking our place on the cross.
Back in April, I was giving a sermon at my church. So I got up really early to practice before my grandparents woke up. My sermon was on David and Goliath and how to conquer the giants in our life. The most beautiful thing about David is that his eyes weren’t even on goliath or the big, nasty giant. The reason why God chose David to defeat goliath was because David’s eyes and trust were fixed on Him alone.
As I started to read out loud my sermon, I feel to my knees in tears. I heard the Holy Spirit say, “How can you be teaching others to trust me if you are not willing to? I have always been with you and will carry you through this. You just need to trust me and let go.”
I love it when the Holy Spirit takes over.
When I let go that day, I started to actually feel again. Numbness leads to imprisonment, which is the way I had been living. You see, God is on the other side of whatever we are going through today. He already holds the answers to all our problems.
We need to stop asking God for a way out and trust Him through the battle.
And while God is already on the other side of our battle, Jesus wants to walk with us daily through the battle. Throughout these months of hardship, I have finally felt every single emotion possible. When I was angry that I still had no energy to be me and felt no strength to go on, Jesus held me. When I was overcome with sadness and my confidence was shaken, Jesus sat with me in that time of mourning. And when I finally felt the joy of the Lord spring back into my soul, Jesus was there to celebrate with me.
Jesus wants to journey with us and He wants us to let go so we can feel.
2. Pain is not the enemy, it’s a sign that we are in need of redemption
I knew there was something wrong with my body. It was finally time to listen. I couldn’t sleep, I had a rash all over my body, I was stressed to the clouds and my thoughts were turning from positivity to negativity really fast. It would be really easy to blame all of this on Satan. But pain is not the enemy, it is actually a sign that brokenness exists in our hearts and minds and redemption needs to take place.
However, if we let ourselves live and make a home in our brokenness, it will be easy for the enemy (Satan) to come in and destroy us even further (we will talk more about this in a bit)
I’m learning that pain is a gift because it motivates us to rely on Jesus for healing. My brokenness made me cling to Jesus because I knew nothing else would save me. Pain can make us brave and courageous to do the thing that is almost never first instinct to us: trust in Jesus alone. Jesus is the only one with the redemption power. Again, this is all about inviting Jesus closer to us, to walk with us.
So what if pain is not an enemy, but actually a gift? If we let it, God will restore us to a new being – he will stretch, strengthen and mould us into stronger warriors of His love.
3. Mindset is everything
For a few months, I was living isolated and my thoughts were running wild with negativity and fear. I was stuck in believing the worst possible outcomes and I wanted everything to be healed by my own calendar. Life doesn’t work that way.
God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity but of sound mind, love and self-discipline (2 timothy). So why are so many of us cultivating a spirit of fear when we have the power to live in love and self-discipline?
It’s because before we knew Christ and became a “new creation”, we learned to survive this life without needing Jesus. We’ve conditioned ourselves to earthly quick-fixes and instant gratification. And many of us (myself totally included) have not developed discipline for what we let enter into our minds.
And whatever our minds believe, our hearts and bodies will follow. So if I were to continue believing the worst possible outcomes for my health, I would never have escaped the bondage of isolation and fear.
God never bypasses our mind. He wants our mind to be filled with His truth, not the enemy’s lies. It is up to us to what we let take hold of our mind: God’s living Word of truth of Satans lies.
We overcome our negative thoughts and fears by choosing God’s truth – and keep choosing it over and over again until it drowns out all the lies and we have completely replaced it all with truth.
How do we do this? Honestly it’s by reading the Bible. Reading the bible so that we learn to believe God’s truth, apply it to our lives and then I can promise you that it will become a more natural thing to tune out any lie that is not according to Scripture. This takes practice, time and SELF-DISCIPLINE
4. We have to ask the question, “Where is your treasure?”
Peace is the solution to an anxious heart.
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus teaches that anxious people have two treasures; two visions that are separating them from a peaceful life. This is the way I was living.
If anyone wishes to come after Jesus, they must deny themselves take up their cross and DAILY follow Him ALONE. Self-denial leads to peace. This is a call to sacrifice. A call to sacrifice the pleasures of this world to gain the pleasure of life.
1 timothy 4:7-9 says “discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness, for bodily discipline is only of little profit, but godliness is profitable for all things, for true life to come.”
Trusting God for tomorrow is question of our worth. There’s no other being on this planet except for humans that are made in God’s mage. Matthew 6 tells us to not be anxious about tomorrow but to trust Him and take one day at a time. The essential will of God is that we live responsibility today, for Him the best we can, and let God sort out tomorrow.
Okay, so how do we truly get rid of this anxious heart?
a. We learn to seek His Kingdom above all else (Matthew 6:33)
b. And we pray.Turning to God in prayer demonstrates our reliance on Him. Apart from Christ we can do nothing, but with Him, He can turn what seems impossible today, possible tomorrow.
c. Put the problem in perspective. Be realistic
d. Separate fact from assumption
e. Create a list, do what you can, but leave the rest up to God
Jesus is the real healer. Not our fearful mind or anxious heart.
Jesus is the prince of peace. Not our wanting control.
Where does your treasure lie?
5. Hardships don’t set us aside, they set us apart
God loves us so much to leave us in our pain and hurting place. God sent His son, Jesus Christ so we could have eternal life. This earthly, painful world is not our home. We are simply passing through. No matter how much pain and hurt is in our life cannot compare to the joy that is coming for those who keep their eyes fixed on eternity. As we suffer in this life, God is preparing a place for us in heaven where we will live with Him forever. We are citizens of heaven (1 peter 1:10), and we cannot forget it.
I had to take the month of December off of work as I was too weak to do anything (literally it was the worst) and in January when I finally went back to work, I felt like I was barely making it through the day. What is really cool is that I have suffered from insomnia since 9th grade, So I went from sleeping 5-6 light hours to sleeping 10-11 deep hours! It literally is amazing how our bodies want to heal not just one aspect, but the whole body.
Anyways, all of this made me feel set aside. I felt worthless as I could no longer give 100% to my work or friendships. But God was calling me again to cling to Him alone. I couldn’t give myself to other things if I wasn’t first filled by God alone.
I want you to know that you are not set aside. Whatever your pain, set back, disability or what you think is limiting you today; you are not set aside.
Here is what I have learned:
a. The gift of being made less: when we decrease, God increases in our life.
b. The gift of being lonely: those lonely times allowed Jesus to lavish His intimate compassion on me.
c. The gift of silence: I had to spend quiet time and in that waiting time, He was strengthening me
What if the very position you are in life right now, what if the battle you are up against is exactly where God wants you to be so He can fulfill his purpose and plan for your whole life?
Whatever is happening in your life right now will strengthen you for something beyond what you can see right now. We must keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, because unlike us, He sees the whole picture.
6. We were made to crave Jesus, not food
The major lifestyle changes I had to make took discipline and self-denial. I was the girl who loved eating ice-cream every single day. I would also never count how much sugar intake I had. For the past few years, I remember having pain after I would eat something, but I ignored it because I honestly thought this was just normal. I had chronic tiredness, insomnia and acne. All of these things were not the issue – they were merely symptoms that something else was desperately wrong inside my body.
I think we have conditioned ourselves to think that if we experience alittle bit of pain in our bodies that it is normal; but God created our bodies to be at harmony, balanced and to heal naturally.
This past weekend I was driving with my mom and I had to just stop and say, “Wow. I feel like I kid again. I have no pain in my body, I’m not stressed, I’m sleeping amazing, I finally have energy like never before and I have no acne.” I’m starting to feel completely healed; and honestly the last time I felt like this was way back in elementary school.
But I didn’t get to this place with one supplement or one lifestyle change. I worked with a doctor in Toronto, on a 7 week program, adding one new lifestyle change every single week. Cutting out my favourite foods was the hardest. I went from a sugar-filled life to having to eat 8-10 cups of veggies a day. I also had to cut out red meat and make sure my chicken and fish were organic.
Food became my drug and gluttony was a sin I was habouring. I loved food. And I think I relied more on food to fill me than God to awaken me. But you and I were not made to crave anything but Jesus to fill our soul and body. Many of us would rather reach in the cupboard for a pile of chocolate than open Gods Word. I know I’m right because I would have rather done that too.
Changing my eating habits didn’t just help heal my physical body, it helped heal my spiritual body as well. Instead of reaching for a bowl of ice-cream, I found myself on the floor praying to God for strength.
God never intended for food to be our answer to our problems. He created us to crave and long for Him above anything else.
7. It is not a sin to take care of yourself
I used to believe that it was a sin if I were to take care of myself. But how can we take care of others if we do not care about ourselves? How can we share the good news with others if we don't spend time with Jesus?
1 Cor. 6 talks about our bodies being a holy temple and how we are to glorify God with our bodies.
this means that whatever we eat, drink, watch, hear or say needs to reflect Jesus, right? It needs to glorify and bring honour to His name.
How could I do that if I continued poisoning myself with food I could not process? How could I do that without the proper rest?
it is God's calling that we take care ourselves. This doesn't mean necessarily getting pampered and binging Netflix. That's self-care. what we need is soul-care - resting in Jesus and in God's word so we can get back out into the world to share the good news.
8. You can walk on the water too
I mentioned this earlier, but I want to remind us of this amazing truth: While God holds the answers to our problems, Jesus wants to daily walk with us through the battle.
Do you know the story of Peter walking on the water? Jesus walked out to Peter, who was in his boat. Jesus then asked Peter to come with Him on the water, but when Peter finally stepped off the boat, he started to sink. Why? Because Peter doubted, he struggled with trusting Jesus.
I felt like I was on that boat too. I felt like the ship was sinking and I was going down with it.
But Jesus came to me and asked, “Oh you of little faith, will you step out of the boat and walk with me?” I didn’t think I could. I didn’t have the energy to get up.
Yet, I made a decision. I choose to believe in God’s almighty power instead of my self-defeat. Then Jesus took me by the hand and lifted me from the boat, onto the water. And we started walking and talking, and the most beautiful thing started to happen. I realized that Jesus didn’t just want to walk with me on the water, He wanted to run and dance in freedom with me too.
You can walk on the water too.
Trusting Jesus can be messy, hard, and usually our last instinct, but it is the only way to a full life.
I’m still in the middle of healing, I have the joy of the Lord again, but there are still days I realize my body isn’t fully healed yet. And honestly, I will probably have to eat a strict diet for the rest of my life. This is my earthly condition and I’m learning to be grateful as it motivates me to cling to Jesus.
Whatever you are going through today I hope you will choose to cling to Jesus too. Trusting Him is the foundation to true and abundant life. I hope you will say yes to running on the water with Him.
The BEST IS YET TO COME.
**I want to note that yes, sometimes we do need medication (not just trusting in Jesus) to heal us. I have been working with a naturopathic doctor in Toronto and I just started working with another doctor out of Michigan. Both of them have been a major help, but still the foundation to everything in this life needs to be jesus. <3